Been feeling really moody the whole day.

Having to deal with the immense stress, deadline, reminders that I haven't started studying for the two tests next week, family issues, relationship insecurities almost seemed sureal to me. Even simple things like hearing a friend in need becomes an option to me now, I feel like I can't even cope with my own issues. What do you do when face with this situation? When someone needs you, you really don't fee like hearing cos you've your own worries to deal with, but yet you can't bear to let the person go through his/her problems alone?

I am as a matter of fact, living a life of the dead literally- like a zombie. Meaningless, unhappy and hollow. It's really not that I mind having work to do, I like keeping myself occupied. But when everything comes together so quickly that I cannot cope with, here I am struggling to keep my head above the water.

Walking back after tuition doing some self reflection made me realised so much today about things I never wanted to think about. 

I just want to give up every single thing. Every, Single, Thing.

Really feel like crying, really really really.

caiubvobvab ivaiobvuvnabiofbivsiqwertyuioasdfghjklzxcvbnm,

I am feeling very frustrated at myself, frustrated for not being productive, when I have all the time in the world to do my PPT today. In the end I ended up doing nothing, and I really mean NOTHING but slacking around.

I just needed somewhere to rant.

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productive.

Here I am, in the midst of my HRM discussion blogging. We are more or less done, hopefully. :) Later, I'll have MICE meeting at about 4 5/6 plus. I am so freaking tired now, but there's no choice, so many projects for this semester, I can't wait for everything to be over.

Friday morning was meeting with my MICE group members at city hall. Speaking of which, I really need to apologise to my MICE group members for my punctuality problems. I don't know why, this problem only occurs for MICE meetings, and I mean every single time of them. It's like a curse, :( but okay. I should really start doing something about it cos even i feel angry at muself for it. Despite that, Laiyin, Pris, Victoria and Swk<3 have been really nice to me even though I was always late, which makes me feel even worst. :( Hai, sorry y'all, for my bad timings. I promise myself I must really do something about it.

In the evening, I went out with Shuf and Meiyi to town! :) hahah, it was rather fun, though I wish we had longer time together. Oh well, next time somemore again! But this time round, please make yourselves free girls! (Yes I am talking about all of you girls). We spammed photos on Meiyi's DSLR, though I was the worst photographer. But it was kinda fun playing around with the camera and lauging over dinner. Yay, I bought something from Mango too. Speaking of which, I think I might be going pok soon! :( CNY coming, I still haven't gotten some nice clothings to wear yet. One day I should go shopping with that goondu boy<3 cos he haven't bought his clothes yet. & I can choose the best clothings for him heh heh! (: (RIGHT SWK? ) 

Cock-eyed Shuf


Cock-eyed Meiyi


Cock-eyed me!


& TAKA PAPER BAG?? Sigh, next time don't dare to wear already. :( :( :( 
 

It's amazing how time flies when I am with you. Not too long ago, we were in year one, seeing each other. I knew nuts about you having any feelings for me, I thought we were nothing more than good friends and studying partners:) Remember how we used to mug together at Ang Mo Kio library for our Year One Sem One exams? That was wayyyy long ago before anybody else found out about us. August 2008, that was how long it was. We always use to take long walks from Ang Mo Kio all the way back to my place, sometimes we even took the longer route cos we had so much to talk about, 2 hours of talking would become 4 hours. I guess, time spent together with you just wasn't enough.

Then I remembered confiding in you about everything under the sky, from guy problems, to girl problems, to friend's problems, to family problems, to studies problems, ... everything. I don't know why somehow even though we were still getting to know each other in the process and new to each other, I trusted you with so much of my secrets. Those secrets that I spent sharing with you sitting at the bus stop talking through the night at 3 am in the morning. And how we use to sit under my block in the gardens to lie on each other's laps and star gazed. Silence was never a problem, sometimes it was just special moments between the both of us, other times, laughters and talkings non stop.

Look where we are, we are already coming a year officially. If you count the unofficial one, we are 16th month already. Still, it feels like day one with you, everyday spent with you is a day where I get to learn more about you. We took so long to get together because of certain issues that I couldn't let go, but you helped me patiently and slowly with it. I even remembered how I used to hurt you so much (maybe even till now sometimes) but you still hung on not because of your own motives, but because you really did care for me. To you, it didn't matter whether you'd be with me at the end of the day, as long as I was happy and I broke free from my past. You were there for me, even when I pushed you away countless of times, and when you wanted so badly to give up cos the hurt was too much for you, but in the end you stood by me and hung on all the way.

Sometimes, I question myself whether I am worth all the fights you put up for me, all the hurts you bore when I pushed you away before, and all the love you showered upon me. You know until now, sometimes I still think that I am not worth all that you've went through for me.

But through all the dramas, ups and downs and the hurricans, there you stood, rooted on the ground for me. You've been the best, the best that I ever had. Though we always have fights and cold wars over the stupidest and smallest things, what matters most is the resolution of the situation. I don't deny that sometimes I am really so petty, even I get upset at myself for the lack of maturity.

But anyway swk<3, I Love You. Despite any and everything against us. You're my angel amongst men,

HAPPY ELEVENTH MONTHS, & more to come.

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You know somehow, I am starting to think that I should break free from dependence of you. 
 

Yesterday after school, headed down for tuition but this time round, my brother joined me because they were short of staffs. The day was the most busy I've ever had, and even with four people helping out, it didn't seem like there were enough time or staffs. Tuition was full-housed that day, and there were no seats for us teachers left, so in the end, we had to either stand and mark or stand and teach.

It was really one of the most exhuasting time, plus i ended tuition at 9pm and there were still UCCD powerpoint compilation and GOM report waiting for me at home. That means that by the time I travelled back home, bathed and eat my dinner, the earliest time I could actually start work is at 10pm. So as tired as I was, I called my parents to try my luck to see if they could actually fetched my brother and I home, that would save me a good half an hour of my time travelling. My parents immediately came down after my call, and I was really really grateful. :)

After preparing dinner, I then told them that I have to head down to swk's<3 place to help do project (STUPID GOM), and instead of questioning and asking, they again, offered to send me all the way to his place as it was already 1030pm. I guess they saw how tired I was, after coming home from tuition, then again telling them that I've to do projects that seemed never ending, so they made me rest for at least half an hour first before sending me.
 

// I know I am so fortunate, in the area of my parents providing not only financial support for my studies, but also emotional support. It really means alot to me, for my parents to trust me and not question, and also for them to give me a lift to whenever I need it. (& no, I must clarify that I am not the kind of girl to always get fetched around.) I guess they could sense how tired I am/was, considering that I still have to stay up to do my work when usually I am not a "night" kind of person. But also not forgetting, swk's<3 parents are also really nice, they are always offering chicken essence and lingteh for us to drink when they know that we both have to ton through the night to do our work.

I am not exactly good at expressing how I feel, guess that gratitude makes words seemed like an understatement to your feelings. & that's exactly how I feel about my parents and his. They are, really wonderful people. Really thank God for parents like that. (:

Life always surprise us in a way or another. I came home earlier today hoping to finish up my uccd part, I still have quite alot to do, hopefully I'll get it done by tonight and send it to zhong. :)
 
Anyway, really glad that I did make my way home earlier because talking to you was something to me. No, I never was really close but somehow, something compelled me to talking. & the most important of all was that you entrusted me to your feelings, even though it might seem to make you so weak. and even though it was about something so hard to talk about, you still did.

I cannot really say that I totally understand everything you are going through, and I know how much it takes for you to be alright. But honestly in a way, I am happy for you for the freedom of the unhappiness that you've went through altogether, because one of the hardest moments in life is deciding when to give up and when to try harder. And its only after much thought and careful consideration, you chose the option of giving yourself & him the route to happier days even though it might hurt now.

It's good to hear that you're coping well now, but at times when the pain can be unbearable, hold on to the fact that after all those nights you cry when you think of him, you'll get past them eventually. That's when you will emerge a stronger, happier girl.

& I really hope that whenever you find you need someone to talk to, you will think of me.
:)

My heart just died.

• Clubbed at rebel/zirca, and butter (the most awesomest ever)
• Met buddy :) hung out with him at Bishan bumping into his parent (?!)
• Went to nette's church performance; hung out after that.
• Walked around alone aimlessly in shopping malls trying to window shop and have a rough idea on what to get for christmas presents.
• Met Eug finally, after uncountable years of disappearing.
• Looked for jobs, & found one for chirstmas eve and newyears eve
• Started what I really wanted to do- to help at the Salvation Army. :) finally!
• Project planning and discussion online
• Had steamboat with my cousins and sis! <3